I'm scared to let it die !!

Read in someone's blog that the mayhem has ended and emotional rape is yet to begin. But it's begun already, it began the moment we went back to our daily lives, ordinary lives, lives where externalizing 'a bad' is a way of second nature.

A thought came to me only after this bloodbath and sacrilege towards humanity - perhaps what we called the resilience of Mumbaikars was never so, merely indifference towards others; maybe what we called the collective Mumbai spirit was always a deadened, numbed Mumbaikar who didn't care beyond going on earning a living and fighting to retain his space in the crowded chaos of Mumbai. What else describes us and our behavior of switching off and on , not until the next tragedy strikes!? 

In my heart, that's my fear with my own self - desperately trying to hold on to the anger by writing the same as 'status update' on my facebook identity, writing comments wherever a discussion is on or an opinion is sought! Is this all and more importantly is it enough! I am sure it's not and I'm desperate at the thought . How can I keep it alive?!

Notes to Self : II Contrasting, Confusing, Constricting, Conflicting

Alliteration(s) or Emotions or both but they say it all! Imagine writing a book with a Title, Introduction and no body. Is that going to sell? May be a contest can be to run to imagine what the author wants to say (without saying), Maybe a reality show constructed to contest various versions of 'what the author wants to say' and the winner is one who comes closest to the author's unsaid story.

Saying it all in < > blank spaces.

Is it a draft... may be... publishing it nonetheless!

Vignettes of a month

The only city where i feel butterflies in my pit at the thought of hailing an auto.
The only city where the auto-wallah has the rear view adjusted to watch 'you' instead of the vehicle on the side. I fished out my dark glasses and drew up my parka aka thick skin again!
The only city where you get this urge to peep and check out the well dressed salwar-kameez clad woman in the auto next to you but just a little ahead.
Lots of catch ups - with parents, friends, siblings, of calls not made because I'm running short of time, of food eaten that I'll not be able to eat once I leave the shores.
The city where I can no longer drive, forget confidently or otherwise.
The N Block market that now houses all the brands that i've ever wanted to browse, all together. I'll come back on my next trip for sure!
The M Block market (yes the one where the blast took place) which I can no longer relate to.
Wonders : Market No. 2 now has ATMs (wow both HDFC & Kotak)
My lane in C block remains the same - a sub colony of oldies, whose sons and daugters have left, married, working, either living abroad or in the suburbs; some remain and the grandparents physically trying to keep up to the demands of active grandchildren!! They look frail, older, much sublime, crinkling eyes trying to recognise each solitary soul on the road - and stopping by to smile and crinkle some more at Aadi - "kamon acho, Daser mein na, bhari mishti, chele toh, khubh bhalo" ("How are you? You are Das's daughter right. Very sweet. Boy right, Very good") - at the end I'm only half sure that the very good was not so much because I'm fine and my child is sweet but because I have a Boy... some things have not changed or have they?

Notes to Self : I

I read the other day about Silence, that the purpose of words is to create Silence. Confusing huh! but made ample sense to me - Does every word you speak create Silence in others or turbulence & edginess. Pause & think!! Calm is a close cousin of Silence; Calm I understand very well, a kind of elevated superiority I very often experience in the midst of puerile cacophony I hear amidst people trying to win a battle of words, wit, views, beliefs. I feel no urge to join in, a detached observer, almost lazily satisfied with not joining in. May be it is arrogance, may be just my heightened sensibility that sees the uselessness of debates. Why does anything need to be this or that? Why can’t it be both? Why argue for the sake of arguing? And that happens a lot!
And Why can’t both possibilities co-exist? As each individual does – distinct. After all, isn’t everything about how each one of us view or relate to a possibility, different yet same, similar yet nuanced dissimilarly? Questions, more questions and no answers, actually why do we need answers at all, isn’t life more engaging if we have new questions every day, with only several possibilities as answers!! Consider this, maybe finding the One and Only answer will stop the quest-ing and make us lazy, indeterminate, living organisms skimming the earth!! Do I want to risk that!

Where am I going with these notes?

Floating in and out

Drifter - that's what my mind has become!! In and out, epiphanic and apprehensive, retrospective and foretelling, and slowly the quantum of 'relish' increasing in my thought-stream (kinda like in the blood-stream). I guess it'll only get better with what the months ahead have in store.

Wrap-up, pack-up, planning, selling, storing, tweaking, confirming, thanking, coping - all that and a lot of hellos and good byes ahead a new country awaits me (us). Taking one month at a time - and a lot of new(ness) every day - a smile, a gurgle, a chuckle - loud 'n louder, a sideways and an 180 degree, a recognition, a touch, a frown, a half- volley - all this and far more that is difficult to capture.

Who said i'm not employed... fully engaged and employed for the moment and starting to revel!

Trance- like

meamateur2@blogspot.com turned a year (and some ) & where have I been ? Well brought in my ‘world’ into this world – God awesome it sounds… so pardon me if I’ve not appeared to raise the anniversary toast to my tryst with ‘ a break’ – the year 2007.

The year a true ‘one of it’s kind’ – kinda juxtaposed - felt too long and very short; felt listless and invigorated, felt blessed and cursed; felt wasted and priceless, felt ambling and meaningful, felt loved and lost, brought ‘why’ and ‘why not’, felt caged and freed, brought both awful and awesome set of emotions, feelings, thoughts, aberrations.

And at the culmination of this rather cantankerous year I feel trance-like – almost certain to wake up and find myself in the sands of Goa, to find the same ‘myself’ who thought of embracing the unknown, unexpected, exploring.

All I can say is this too shall pass – and I’ll wake up to live and love my present ‘world’, accepting that the aftertaste of the past will linger on - tantalizing at times, haunting at others.

I promise nothing for the year… no resolutions (duh, am in a trance, stupid) but only that I’ll uncover this journey of the mind as the year unfurls.

Gotta go, my 'world' is calling and unlike that boy in the VISA ad who looks out of the window to find the world beckoning outside, mine is all inside, well, at least so far.

Ciao!